Stories I Tell Too Often.

Aisha Clanclan is my homegirl.

Adventures in retail

It’s about nine PM on a weekday night. EMILY, the lone employee left at the shirt store, is restocking. The store is quiet and empty when suddenly, a roughly nine year old BOY in a baseball cap and jersey enters through the front doors.

EMILY Hi.

The BOY heads to the knicknacks in front of the register and starts sifting through them.

BOY Do you live here?

EMILY Yes…

BOY Well, don’t go on Big Bus Tours. It was awful.

EMILY Aw, I’m sorry.

BOY I lost my hat and they didn’t even try to look for it!

EMILY Aw…

BOY It was a custom-made hat, too! It was of a… (gesturing over his own baseball cap) …black cat. With PURPLE eyes. And on the back it said “Waffles”, but it was spelled W A F L Z. …F U L Z.

EMILY (lost) Oh.

The boy’s MOM appears at the doorway.

MOM Braden, let’s go. Don’t bother the store lady.

BOY Okay, bye. Seriously, don’t take that tour. (exits)

And that was the last person I saw that night.

OMG THEY CARDED ME I LOVE THIS PLACE :D :D :D

—my twenty five year old cousin

Sorry for not posting in like forever but not much has been happening.

Except this. This happened.

Sorry for not posting in like forever but not much has been happening.

Except this. This happened.

Cartman: Hella stupid Hella lame

I would lay money that this is what my SoCal family hears when they talk to me.

  • Newest coworker: Hey watch this
  • Newest coworker: (puts on two nametag lanyards)
  • Newest coworker: (grins really big)
  • Me:
  • Newest coworker: I'M 2 CHAINZ

I’ve been laid up at home all day with a pretty gnarly sprained ankle and I’m genuinely disappointed that there’s no one around at whom I can shout MY LEG

I wanna love you, but I better not touch

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I wanna eat you, but my senses tell me to stop

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I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much

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I wanna taste you, but your proteins are venomous poisssoaeiaieiaoionnnnnn

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gfdlkjgs;fdhjg

How did my trans* cousin turn into an MRA?!

I suppose the “huehuehue I have become my oppressor” thing holds SOME merit…but man, you’re still a gay white dude. They’re not 100% on your side.

There are two kinds of bettas

Today my fish Chad was acting kind of sick. As time wore on, her “sister” Ru came and sat by her, abandoning her bubble nest in process to build a new one right over Chad. Last I looked, Chad was still floating there looking iffy, and Ru swam out from beside her to reassure me.

And in the meantime, Latrice took over Ru’s nest and her favorite hanging spot: right next to the heater.