Stories I Tell Too Often.

Some sweet-hearted mama with a face like a gent.

Oh! Domestic or international?

—my adopted coworker, when I mention that boyfriend is too

Dad, seriously.

  • Dad: Your food allergies get a lot worse when you're stressed out, you know.
  • Also dad: What's an EpiPen?

Just got randomly chosen and paid to take a family planning survey.

  • Me: Yeah, like half of the questions were invalid because I've never been pregnant.
  • Roommate: Did you tell them "not for want of effort"?

I WANT YOU, TWIGGY RAMIREZ

Adventures in retail

It’s about nine PM on a weekday night. EMILY, the lone employee left at the shirt store, is restocking. The store is quiet and empty when suddenly, a roughly nine year old BOY in a baseball cap and jersey enters through the front doors.

EMILY Hi.

The BOY heads to the knicknacks in front of the register and starts sifting through them.

BOY Do you live here?

EMILY Yes…

BOY Well, don’t go on Big Bus Tours. It was awful.

EMILY Aw, I’m sorry.

BOY I lost my hat and they didn’t even try to look for it!

EMILY Aw…

BOY It was a custom-made hat, too! It was of a… (gesturing over his own baseball cap) …black cat. With PURPLE eyes. And on the back it said “Waffles”, but it was spelled W A F L Z. …F U L Z.

EMILY (lost) Oh.

The boy’s MOM appears at the doorway.

MOM Braden, let’s go. Don’t bother the store lady.

BOY Okay, bye. Seriously, don’t take that tour. (exits)

And that was the last person I saw that night.

OMG THEY CARDED ME I LOVE THIS PLACE :D :D :D

—my twenty five year old cousin

Sorry for not posting in like forever but not much has been happening.

Except this. This happened.

Sorry for not posting in like forever but not much has been happening.

Except this. This happened.

Cartman: Hella stupid Hella lame

I would lay money that this is what my SoCal family hears when they talk to me.

  • Newest coworker: Hey watch this
  • Newest coworker: (puts on two nametag lanyards)
  • Newest coworker: (grins really big)
  • Me:
  • Newest coworker: I'M 2 CHAINZ