Stories I Tell Too Often.

Ms. Cisbi and the rats of NIMH


If you’re depressed AND allergic to dairy, be pretty explicit when explaining Daiya to your roommates. I think I might have traumatized them.

Life is like a hurricane here in Dickburg

Racecars, lasers, aeroplanes- it’s a dick blur!

lukehemmign asked: whats the music from where the person pulls the pillow to reveal the pug dog because that song sounds so familiar


I’m sorry man, the OP got so sick of answering this question that it’s now the only thing in his FAQ. But it’s the X Files theme.


this one is even spookier. Look what I fucking found in my house.

I am gonna laugh at this for the rest of my life.


Apparently the police picked up Jeffrey Dahmer sometime in the month I was born.

Oh! Domestic or international?

—my adopted coworker, when I mention that boyfriend is too

Dad, seriously.

  • Dad: Your food allergies get a lot worse when you're stressed out, you know.
  • Also dad: What's an EpiPen?